I remember how life was when I was 7, 10, 13, 17…and how easy life was. How I enjoyed life with no worries in the world and not having to pay bills, get gas, feed the dogs, worry about food on the table. Why do we all want to grow up so fast? I’ve been having a hard time lately and I’m not sure why. Why do I seem like my life is at a dead end? Why does it seem like I can’t make my husband happy? Why does it see like I’m always grumpy? I like my job. I like my husband…okay I love my husband! Haha. I really have nothing to be grumpy about. I don’t like coming home to dogs. I realize I’m NOT a dog person. How sad, the two things Dustin loves soooo much…I don’t.
There are times where, like today, I just am crabby. I got a good nights rest….I woke up without the alarm yelling at me. What’s wrong? I just feel like crying all the time…like I don’t know what to do. My husband told me he was sick of coming home every night to the same old thing…nothing. He says “this rut we call our life”. He wants more “excitement” but couldn’t tell me what that entails. He tells me he wants to do stuff…but what kind of stuff? He couldn’t answer that. I’ve become a homebody lately and I’m sure he doesn’t like that…but what is there to do in this town? I need a life change! I apparently need some excitement in our lives….not that it’s a bad thing. We really come home from work, eat dinner, check email, Facebook, bank account (always low Haha), etc and watch TV. Then off to bed. I feel just run down, bored. But what to do?
Over the last year I have realized a lot about myself and the people around me. I have realized that you can’t please them all…especially Dustin. I realized that Dustin is a MAN and I’m a WOMAN and we DON’T think alike AT ALL. I realized there are some people in your life you just can’t trust no matter what; no matter how many times I give them the benefit of the doubt. I realized that I vent to the wrong people sometimes. I realized that I should watch what I say in front of other people. I’ve learned a lot about myself. This week has been hard for me and as I sat my butt on the couch last night eating Taco Bell and watching Autumn in New York, I knew there was much more intended for me in this world.
I feel like I need to see a counselor for my frustrations of marriage, but in all actuality, they are very minute. I get upset over the dishes piled in the sink, the laundry that I do most 9 times out of 10. The dogs that sleep in our room at night (I really don’t like that); the creaking closet door in our room that always wakes me up when Dustin comes to bed late; the fact that Dustin waits until 9-10pm when I’m in bed sleeping to shower (its sooo loud in our bedroom). Our yucky yard and no desire on Dustin’s end to pick up the poop or chop the weeds down.
I do love my life, but at times, it’s irritating. I am however excited and looking forward to our future together…getting a house of our own, not relying on a landlord (friend) to come fix something. Paying Dustin’s truck off THIS YEAR! Getting out of debt. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m just in a slump, the slump we call our life as Dustin would put it. Maybe I need to take up some sort of hobby? I get upset when Dustin doesn’t want to spend every evening with me. I guess just because we don’t see each other during the day, its nice to hang out after work. Is 5 days a week too much, with the weekends too? I feel like he doesn’t like me as much as he did when we first started dating…like my newness wore off. Am I no fun anymore?
I feel like I’m missing something in my life. Is church the answer? Tanya, Scott and I went to church last Sunday and I enjoyed it, not as much as I hoped. I think it was the pastor…I’m going to try again this week at their church. I asked Dustin to go, but he said he’s not ready. I guess I can’t make him go….I guess I can’t push him to do something he doesn’t want to. I just feel lost. Something’s got to push me in the right direction.
Is some of this me? Is it that nothing keeps me occupied anymore? That there is only so much you can do at home. Is it the fact that I feel unpretty? Is that a word? Is it that I need to loose weight that I feel like a cow! Haha. I want to run, I want to get in shape, but have absolutely NO DESIRE. I am at my all time high for my weight…maybe this is why I’m so depressed about life! Haha….
Being all grown up really isn’t fun all the time. UGH. Hope my day and week gets better….
